Betrayal?

I don't know if that's the right word to describe this post today, but that's how I'm going to leave it.

Fuck.

I'm hurt. I'm angry. At least I was -- being the softie that I am, I've waited too long to say anything about this, and now the feelings have faded out. I'm numb. But this isn't all your fault; it's mine too. I lost sight, yet again, in yet another relationship. I began to lose myself. I didn't feel like going to that party, but I did anyways, thinking that you wouldn't have as much fun or be as happy if I stayed at home. But I went. We all did.

And sure, the party was fairly exciting and fun for a while. But when I realized there were more than a hundred people I didn't know, with fact I wasn't getting drunk, it was just another situation where I was waiting to leave. Cody didn't have that much fun either, but everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Especially you.

Sure, you came to a party to party. You got drunk. You danced. But I never expected to end the night seeing you making out all over some guy you don't even know. And that hit me hard. That hurt. And it still hurts. I was so mad I could have just screamed at you and left you. But I didn't. I brought you back home with everyone else, and made sure you were safe and got some sleep. I didn't do that because I cared, I did it because you were a fellow friend and partygoer of the group, and it would have been awkward and inappropriate to leave you at the party.

So how did the night end up like this? Let me just tell you my perspective of the events.

After about an hour into the party, everyone was comfortable and socializing. As usual, I just stayed near the group and chilled out, watching and listening to what everyone had to talk about. You stayed outside with the group for most of this period, occasionally going inside to get another drink. But then you started staying inside.

I decided to come inside and see what you were up to, and I found you dancing with Heather and some other girls up front. We danced for a while and then I headed back outside. You came outside but soon ventured back in. Another hour or so passed and you continued to spend more time inside than out with us. I didn't think anything of it; I had hoped you were dancing and having a good time.

It was soon time for us to leave, so I ventured inside with Cody to find you. We made a circle through the house, yet I didn't see you anywhere. Cody then pointed out that you were in the kitchen, wrapped up and talking to some guy. I was a bit disgusted/disappointed, but I just grabbed your arm and told you to get your stuff because we were all leaving. You turned to me like you hadn't just been flirting with some stranger, and told me in a sweet voice that you were going to get your stuff and come outside, then kissed me. I didn't think much of it because at that moment, I didn't you see you doing anything with that guy other than closely hugging him.

I went outside, probably to clear my head after seeing that, and then went to find Callan. When I found her out back and came around to the front, I saw you go back inside. *facepalm* So I went back around through the less-crowded doorway to come find you.

And there you were. With that guy. Again. Rather than do anything, I decided to stay back and see what you were doing. You talked to him for a few seconds, then started making out with him. I was so furious I could have exploded. But I didn't. I left. I went back to the front, anger hidden, and waited for you to get your ass out here so we could leave.

Sure enough, you came out just a little bit later, and came up to me, with that sweet, drunk voice, trying to kiss me and tell me you were having such a good time, and blah blah blah. I looked at you and said, "You went back to that guy and kissed him?" in a semi-pissed tone, and then you started bawling your eyes out, crying, stumbling, and looking like a complete, drunken fool. You told me you were sorry, you were distracted and just having fun, that you love me, that you were so so sorry, and pretty much repeated yourself over the course of the next hour, until we got back home. I honestly didn't give a shit what you had to say, because I was hurt and just wanted to get us back home to sleep. I put you in the car, and we all headed back.

I parked my car out front, and took you inside with Cody and Callan. You went to the bathroom, and I went back to park my car in the lot. When I got back, Cody and Callan were talking, and you were wrapped in my bed, still sobbing and repeating yourself that you were sorry and you loved me. The three of us went outside to smoke and socialize, and then we came back. You were asleep, so your night was over.

The rest of us stayed up, and Kenny, one of the music majors Callan and I met outside, came over to play games. He left, Callan fell asleep, and Cody and I stayed up until 7a.m.

From there, you remember everything I told you, everything I said, that I wasn't angry, that I wasn't going to leave you. Honestly, I was just saying whatever I thought would keep you happy and not bawling all over again. I didn't want you to cry again, but I was really hurt.

And here I am now, just numb and losing affection for you.

As you can see from my earlier blogs, I wasn't 100% into this relationship to begin with, because I was still missing Sarah. But up until the party, I had begin to really start falling for you. I thought that, when I said I love you, that it was every bit of love I had. That when I said I love you, it meant that I truly, emotionally loved you and wanted to be with you. That's why, when the first time I said it, I wanted to wait, because I didn't feel like I was ready to say it.

Now, it's just an empty phrase if I say it. That awesome peak I was reaching with you just flew out the window when I saw you with that guy. I know you were drunk, and I know you were having fun. I know I should have went in earlier to find you. I know I should have just stayed home because I really didn't feel like going.

But things happened the way they did. They can't be fixed, and they can't be erased. I can erase some memories, but a nightmarish image like that, I can't get rid of. I wish I could get over this. I wish I could forgive you and get over myself. But this isn't just something that is solved easily. Or for that matter, at all.

You remember almost everything up to that point. You remember peeing behind the shed and drinking and dancing, and most of all, you remember talking to this guy for a good bit before losing all memory. So I ask, why were you inside talking to this guy if you had all of your other friends outside? And me? You never came to get me to dance, you never stayed outside with me for an extended period of time. For the majority of that party, you were having your time, your enjoyment and drunkenness. You saw your jacket the next day -- it was covered in PJ and wine. I know you were having fun, and you were drinking more because you weren't getting nauseous, but seriously, did it never occur to you that you should have stopped drinking at one point?

I could have been drunk with you. I could have been looking after you to make sure you weren't doing the shit you were. But I don't like to get drunk as much as other people, and I sure wasn't going to babysit you when you are perfectly capable of doing that for yourself.

I had to say all of this. I had to get it out. I had to tell you at some point what I really felt. Being the softie that I am, it hurts me to know that all of these words have the potential to really hurt you and make you sad, and I'm sorry for that. But I'm not sorry for what I have said in this blog.

I honestly don't think I can make this relationship work right now. Maybe a break would help me clear my mind and get over this. But at the moment, I just feel empty, and I don't feel that strong about our relationship. I feel like it would be fake if we kept this up.

One last thing I would like to make a note of is this: at one point, either during your drunken bawling and repetitive speech or at a later time, you said that this has happened before. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn't. Either way, I know you have a lot more experience with drinking, and I think you should have known your limits.

I'm sorry Ali.

It's over.

Waking Up.

Today has been a pretty laid-back, pointless day. I woke up without an alarm clock, feeling rested and awake. I grabbed my Gameboy and played Pokemon Blue for the majority of the day. There were times when I grabbed some food, went to the bathroom, got on Facebook, and looked at videos on Youtube, but for the most part, nothing particularly new, curious, or interesting occurred.

And then, when I was looking at a picture of my ex-girlfriend, I realized something. It clicked in my mind, that the cause of all my grief, was that I lost a lover, but not a friend. I never had that time or opportunity to find a friend in Sarah, and now, after looking at her profile on Facebook, there is no other way in which I can look at her. She was never just another friend, she was a girlfriend, a significant other in my life. A person who became my life.

I can't look at her. I can't talk to her. I can't even bring myself to visit her. And my heart screams at me to do all those things.... yet I can not think of what to say or when to visit, or what we could even do if we hung out. My mind is scrambled and I feel awkward about anything involving her.

And so there she is. Not a classmate, not an old friend, not even just another student who went to my school, but a lover that I can't forget. A beautiful young girl that has probably moved on in her life, and probably doesn't even think about me. After all the effort and love and care I put into my relationship with her, it never dawned on me to put more into a friendship with her. So now I've lost it all. She's just an image in my mind of what was and what could have been. An image of happiness that was foolishly lost.

And I still have all these damn things from our relationship -- gifts, pictures, cards, drawings -- lying around my house and car and dorm room. I just want to take it all, box it up, and leave it at her doorstep, because it brings too much pain to look at all the memories we made. I don't know when I'll have the courage to do that. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do that.