As Happy as possible...

And not much is very possible at this point in time.

But I'm glad we talked. I'm glad that it could end gradually, letting our hands, once grasped together so tight, fall slowly apart. Every finger touching, into each finger losing their soul mate as they pulled away. An empty hand now, but one still close to yours.

We're friends, you know. Some parts of us perfect, but must of the time, our other parts are nothing more than frustration and annoyance. We have a lot to figure out. I still haven't figured out what I'm doing with my life, and I haven't quite grown into the person I want to be. I can tell that you've already got some life goals, or at least an idea of where you're going with your life. I know you want to succeed in college, and move on to a great graduate program, even if it's across the country. You're ready to move, you're ready to start showing the world your potential, your intelligence, and your contribution to others. All I know is that I'm majoring in mathematics.

So we have parts that are great and parts that are not the best, but that's what makes us good friends. We established this friendship on such great terms, really getting to know one another. Maybe we grew to know each other a little too much; maybe there's still I lot more to find out about one another.

It won't be the best few weeks coming up, but I know that we'll get through it. Oh, there's sadness alright, lot's of sadness. But there's also a lot of potential to have a great time the next few weeks. School ends soon, and I know there's relief in finishing another semester. If you're like me, your ready to move on to that next semester, eager to find out what else you can learn.

I don't mean to say that I'm ready to move on from you, but progress is good. We've been working through this, and it gets easier.

I guess one thing that makes me sad the most, is the contrast I see in losing someone, between a failing relationship and the sudden death of a loved one. My dad died and that was it. I had no chances to tell him I loved him before he left, no chances to really talk to him and bond with him. To pay attention to all the things he tried to teach me and encourage me to do. And then there's you. Our relationship, in whatever form it may have been, fell apart. I know we'll always be friends, but looking ahead, I'm afraid I'll lose you completely, watching from afar as I see you living a new life... one without me.

I'm not saying that I would have rather you died; no, thats absurd. I'm merely saying, that, in some strange manner, its almost more heartbreak to see you walk away.

Things happened the way they did though.

And here we are now.

I'll always have the memories. Always.

I will always remember that last night, that last moment of happiness in your arms.

I love you Brianne.

I always will.

Truth is, I'm really just a lost soul.

I really have no direction in my life, and my state of awareness is either distracted or hopeless. I'm either distracted by all the material crap in this world to know what I'm doing, or I'm hopelessly aware of the slum my life is in.

Truth is, I'm lost.

I find myself more depressed more often, and the thoughts I've been having aren't that great... in fact, they're pretty grim. Morbid, even.

What the hell do I do? Get diagnosed and take medicine? Kill myself? Restart my life in hopes of happiness or direction? Move somewhere? Do something spectacular?

Or do I just sit here and continue my useless daily routines...

Can a person really change?

Ah, but the real question is, what is your definition of person? Can you define yourself if you don't know yourself? You're a lazy bum who has no direction in life. No, that's because I'm lost. I don't know who I am. Loophole. Paradox. Mayhem and chaos. No resolutions.

Change.

I will change my life. I will redefine myself, and begin by destroying myself. If I have any hope of becoming someone new, I must abandon the most dominate aspects of my current life:

Video games.

Junk food.

Uncleanliness.

Procrastination.

Shyness.

Isolation.

Laziness.

Sleep schedule.

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Reading.

Researching.

Healthy.

Piano.

Being open.

Adventurous.

Active.

Proactive.

Tidy.

Clean.

Connected.

I don't expect the changes to come immediately, although that would be the best approach. However, I do expect them to come gradually.

How could I be lost when I know exactly who I am?

Need.

I don't need much. I don't need the cable. I don't especially need the internet. I don't really need my computer, given the exception of my math research (over 5000 possibilities of a problem? I think I'll stick to the computer programs). I don't need the video games. I don't need the candy. I don't need the heater. I don't need to live with people of other lifestyles than my own. I don't need to stay here at this college, getting a seemingly mediocre education. I don't need to move to another college. I don't need new friends, and I don't need old ones. I don't need my family. I don't need all the clothes I have, nor do I need all the useless technology I own. I don't need a girlfriend, I don't need a best friend. I don't need anything in this world other than four things:

Air, food, water, survival skills.

Oh, but you need this, and you need that. You need this raise to get a better car. You need this new watch to look more fashionable. You need this new video game to play with your friends. You need this calculator to do these math problems. You need this computer and printer to do your homework and print out assignments. You need these shoes to walk. You need these clothes to hide yourself, define yourself. You need these decorations to make your home enjoyable and pleasurable. You need this better quality food for your health. You need to get surgery to fix that unwanted appearance. You need to learn another language because knowing one isn't enough. You need to have more friends, because you're not social enough already. You need to stop doing drugs and ruining your body. You need to focus on driving and not text every minute of the way. You need to go to college to get a better education, and with that education, get a high salary job, because you need that to have money, and you need money to have a successful and enjoyable life.

There are needs. There are desires. And then there are just things you can't explain.

I can't explain it, but I have this urge to find myself. I'm lost. It's not because of you that I'm lost, in fact, because of you I realize this. Because of you, I have become a better person. Your care and affection has helped me realize things that I never would have on my own. I appreciate it. But like some great mind told me once, "people can only influence you and your decisions - but you are the one who ultimately makes the decision."

So here I am, needing to make a decision. Desiring to make a decision. Having that unexplainable urge to make a decision. But something is holding me back. Is it the past? Surely this is an asinine thing to do, holding on to the past, preventing it from letting me move forward, progress, grow, learn, adapt, expand, discover, explore.

But... how do you let go of something so dear to you?

If you died today, would you be able to say you lived a good life?

Every day is different, every day has it's ups and downs, it's complications, it's surprises and let downs. Every day is a new opportunity, a chance to do something different - or to live the same way.

When I saw this question on Facebook, I knew within seconds that my answer was no. There's plenty of great memories, but I honestly don't think I've had the greatest life in the world. I've had too many downfalls, too many depressed summers, and childhood passed right before my eyes. Too many wishes that never came true - I wish I had siblings, I wish I had more friends as a kid, I wish my dad never died, I wish I had taken all those opportunities, I wish I had went to public school, I wish I had gotten to know my family more, I wish I wasn't so spoiled as a kid, I wish I had superpowers, I wish I could go back in time, I wish I hadn't lost all my friends in 6th grade, I wish I could keep a stable relationship with someone, I wish I had someone I could talk to about anything, I wish I had a best friend, I wish I hadn't let so many people down, I wish I wasn't so jealous of my friends, I wish I could just talk to you and let you know how I really feel, I wish life were easier, I wish my childhood hadn't flown by so quickly, I wish my family would give me more credit, I wish I was more like everyone else, I wish I was less like myself, I wish I could play the piano, I wish I could fly, I wish I could live in a foreign country, I wish I could travel the world, I wish I could live in a different period of time, I wish I could make decisions that lasted, I wish I wasn't so indecisive about everything I do - but most importantly, I wish I could figure out you.

At this moment in time, death would leave me with questions and regrets. So here I stand, ready to get up, talk, and find my answers. I vow to do something with my life, if only I do one little thing, each day. My first priority is to go to all those open doors, and close them. Finding closure is the first thing on my mind. Finding answers, and giving them.

Indecisive

That's my middle name. No matter what aspect of my life I come across, I just can't seem to make up my mind on something. I almost feel like, in some sense, that I'm two different people, each with their own decisions and conflicting opinions. I see this indecisiveness in everything I do - games, entertainment, clothes, restaurants, hobbies, passions, majors in college, grad schools - even what I want for dinner sometimes.

But is it a problem to be so indecisive? I guess part of my reasoning for this behavior is my "what if" thought - the one where I pick one choice and quickly hesitate, thinking, what if I chose the other one?

A recent solution I've stumbled across is to weigh out the options and consequences of all my possible decisions. It turns out that a lot of them really don't matter, like what I decided to eat for the night, pizza or breakfast? But some of them really do matter, and I need to think about those more.

I need to distinguish between my hormones, my emotions, and my reasoning. With that clarity, I have my answer.

What if you're the girl of my dreams?

This summer has been pretty fail on my part. I've been lazy since the day I got home. I didn't apply for any jobs, I didn't work on any artwork, I did no research or scholarship searches, I really didn't even hang out with my old friends or family. I just sat around, playing video games, sleeping, and wasting my days away.

It was getting to me. Bringing me down. Depression set in. There's plenty I could have done, people I could see and hang out with. But I remained apathetic. I saw my friends around me, enjoying their summer, and some of them had their wake up call to reality. I kept telling myself, things will be better once I get my wake up call. So I waited.

About a month ago, I started applying for jobs, because I knew I had to make some money to live in my house for college this fall. And then, these bills and charges came out of nowhere, and I really started panicking. I knew that I HAD to get a job, regardless of where it was or what I had to do. In the end, I think I had applied to 15 different places. I waited weeks, and I had almost given up. I was either going to go back in to my state of laziness, wasting my days away, or, I was going to start applying to restaurants, the last place I wanted to work.

Needless to say, life was going downhill. It's miserable here in this small town.

Then one morning, I woke up. I told myself that waiting was not the answer to this problem. I was going to start being active and get something done. Later that day, I was at my grandparent's house, ready to swim in their pool. I looked up at the vast, blue sky, and around me at such a beautiful scene of nature. Then I looked into the water. That pool has always been a means of relaxation for me. I could sit there for hours, lost in thoughts staring at the water. At that moment however, I told myself, once I dive into this water, I will change my life. I will become a better person, and do something with my life. The water, in a way, was a cleansing of my body and mind.

A few days later, Walmart called me, ready to interview me for a job, which I now have after I take a drug test and present identification. Then I figured out the bills for my house, and my financial aid. And today, I saw my Aunt Rosie and Uncle James, almost a year since I saw them last. It was good to see them again and talk to them, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I don't have much faith in religion, in fact, I don't have much faith. But, after I made that pact and dived in the water, things have been better in my life. We'll see how things play out, but I'm happier too.

And while I still have unanswered questions, I know that I'll be stronger, and ready to hear them when they come.

Get money. Get paid.

Reality check. Time for my wake-up call. A couple of my friends finally seem to be getting theirs, but here I am in my lazy ass summer again the same as summers before - jobless, apathetic, bored, lacking creativity and motivation.

I know what's wrong. I know what to do to fix it. But it always seems to take one of those "near-death" wake up calls to sit you on your ass and actually motivate you to do something about it. Still waiting on mine. But who's to say I can't go ahead and find it? To get a head start and make my reality check reality?

Don't let your check bounce. Get up and do something.

My Understanding Is Limited

There's so much more about life that I learn each and every day. I can't learn everything from my own means - most of what I have learned is through the experiences of my friends. If I knew what I do now, I would totally have changed a lot in my life. I don't think there's anything wrong with regretting the past. That's not to say, I accept what has happened, and I'm definitely not letting it hold me back.

Clarity. Knowledge. Wisdom. Patience. Those are the things I need the most.

Which reminds me of the seven virtues. According to Wikipedia, the Catholic ones are Prudence, Justice, Temperance, Fortitude, Faith, Hope, and Charity. Another list claims them as Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, and Humility. The Knightly virtues are Courage, Justice, Mercy, Charity, Faith, Valor, Hope, Chastity, Humility, and Resolve.

Seems like the world might be a better place if people had these virtues, huh? I would think so, but the world that has evolved with us couldn't handle that sort of existence. There's too much conflict in this world. In fact, there's just too much "sin" in this world.

But can these so called virtues and sins coexist? Who knows.

It's hard to believe that two opposites can exist together.

Impressions

No matter how much I think I grow and change, I am still shy around people I don't know. Whether they are complete strangers, or neighbors I never got the chance to meet, sometimes I just can't muster up the courage to go meet someone and socialize. Truth is, I don't really know how to socialize with people I don't know. When I'm around my friends, I can be myself. I can be goofy, silly, and relax. They don't care if I say anything or not. Around them, I'm comfortable. Maybe it's a matter of meeting and socializing on my own terms. I typically meet new people after working in a similar environment - for example, going to a class everyday at school gives me the opportunity to meet someone who has something in common with me.

I bring this topic up for one reason - I'm currently at my grandparent's house for the weekend, and the neighbors are over with friends and family. Not a big crowd, but the fact stands that I don't really know these people, nor do I particularly want to go swim in a pool with 5 other little kids splashing and jumping in. I prefer to get in a pool to exercise and swim some laps. The biggest thing that baffles me though, is that I can't bring myself to meet the neighbors daughter, Jenna, who's probably 16 or so. Just another teenager that could be a good summer friend.

And just yesterday, I went out to a small party at my friend Leah's house, knowing only her and Shelby. I had enough courage to go there, surrounded by only two friends and 6 people I had never met before. But I had fun. I met some new people. They're definitely not the kind of people I would hang out with, but I had fun regardless.

I guess that's it. The small thing I have in common with a stranger let's me open up. Let's me socialize. At the party, it was having two friends already there.

But here, it's just me. No friends, no common traits to my knowledge. So I revert back to the shy person I am. I stay inside. And I wait until they leave. Then I can only wish that I had met them.

Curse my personality. Curse my shyness.

Focus

I'm standing on the court, bouncing the ball. Back and forth, up and down, hand to concrete, concrete to hand. I throw it up, I swing my racket, and the serve is complete. The main part of the formula? Focus.

In fact, I'd say it's the main part of the whole game. Focus on your movement, your serves, your swings, your footwork. Don't be distracted. Don't think about anything else that creeps into your mind. Don't let those lost points and little mistakes bring you down. Focus on improving yourself and your game.

There's so much I can bring from a game of tennis, and apply it to my life. I've been so lax, so lazy, apathetic and unconcerned about my summer. I keep thinking to myself: I need a job, I need money, I need to figure out issues regarding school. And then I think: I want to see Brianne, I want to play my video games, I want to take a road trip, I want to move to Boone already and live in my house. All I really want is to have a carefree summer. But the time has passed; I had plenty of opportunities to do that as a child. Now, I have to live in the real world. I have to be an adult. I have to get a job. I have to focus on what matters the most.

Which, in a contradictory sort of way, some wants do matter the most. Some things have to happen, or life isn't lived to it's fullest. I'm not as happy as I could be if I don't experience these certain wants.

Regardless, I have to prioritize the needs.

Tonight, I will go to sleep before midnight. Tomorrow, I will wake up early. I will apply for more jobs, I will drive around town to find work. I will get online and sort out my financial aid and class registration. I will make time to eat and relax, but for the most part, I will be productive. In my downtime, I will turn away from unproductive video games, and I will read a book or work on an art project. I will look up summer classes still available. I will research graduate schools. I will clean my room and my car. I will exercise.

And most importantly, I will think of you, and how much I miss you.

The Metaphor of My Life/ On Insecurities / Bad Day

So much information, I had to cram it all in one post:

The metaphor of my life. What is it? Well, I'm certain no one else has ever pictured it this way, but I sorta see life as one big race. There's not necessarily one beginning or end, and there are multiple paths, but the paths are only half the equation; the other half is the people I meet in my life that are running with me. When I close my eyes, I see various friends, family, and acquaintances running along side me. Where we're running, I'm not sure. We each have our goals, our opportunities, and basically, our own paths to take. As I meet new people, their path joins into mine. As I lose friends and family, as people fade out of my life, they take different paths off from mine. Some don't take other paths, they just fall behind and disappear. Others reach ahead and make it to their destination. Me, I'm still running.

Get the picture?

This led my though process into a realization of probably my biggest flaw - insecurity. I don't know why I'm insecure, but I can see it now. Every experience brought me closer to this realization. The question is, can I change it, can I grow out of it? Maybe. My friends tend to surround me and it fades away. But even they can't stick around forever. Where did it develop? Maybe from my childhood, when my parents both had jobs and were constantly in and out of the house. I remember so many times when I would cry my heart out, begging them not to leave when they had to go to work. So maybe, it's the losses I suffered, or seem to have suffered, in my life that caused this.

Insecurity --> worrying, and a lot of it. But I can't be a wuss, I can't constantly ask questions and be wound up in my worries. Good is typically followed by bad, but even bad comes to an end of good. There's just so much pain in the bad though... I know it's a bad thing to wish, but I kind of wish I was older, so I didn't have all the worries and inconveniences that I currently possess. I wish I was still at school, working and learning, and not being bored for the summer. I wish I had a job so I had plenty of money, as my bank account is dwindling very close to nothingness. I wish I had a car that wouldn't need repairs every few months. I wish my dad was still here. I wish I could be with Brianne right now, and just hold her in my arms. I wish I could sleep peacefully, waking up fully rested and able to recall my dreams. I wish I could understand my dreams, in an attempt to communicate with my subconscious. I wish I could smoke a really big blunt right now. I wish I didn't need so much. I wish life was easier. I wish I had definite proof of God, and all the answers and wisdom, and then, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't worry so damn much.

Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe this all sprouted from my bad morning. Either way, my day has been kinda shitty. Let's start with my dream. I was having the most fascinating dream, and I could almost understand and analyze what was occurring in my dream, when suddenly, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door I hear. I wake up, startled, forget my dream to the small detail of a creature I named "moody," and answered the door to see my grandpa. I know he meant no harm, and I love him, but waking me up without any notice, then expecting me to jump up and get to work, was completely uncalled for. It doesn't help that I don't have my car at this point either, so when I went with him to work at his house, I couldn't leave until he was ready to bring me home.

So he asks me if I'm hungry, and I say no. I don't eat breakfast usually because I have no appetite. But we end up stopping at McDonalds, and he gets something to eat. We then have various conversations about work, my house at school, my mom, and life. Most of it was him preaching about his values, which I don't usually mind, but, being a night-owl and far from a morning person, I was grumpy and just ready to leave.

We get to his house, and start digging in the ground to find a water line. It's hot, this is drudgingly slow, and I'm irritated. I decide to go get the lawnmower and cut the grass. Hours pass, I cut all the grass, and my grandma takes me to get my car. A ridiculous $413.44 to repair brakes, regrind rotors, and re-plug some fucking wires that the last mechanics forgot to reconnect. $100 labor is ok, but some of the charges seem a bit ridiculous. Oh, and they didn't even fix the goddamn leak, as that was one of the main problems, too. However, they STILL don't know where the leak is coming from. At least this time they didn't charge and replace something in a lame-ass attempt to fix it - last time, they replaced my transmission, because they thought that was the cause of the leak. Guess not.

Got home. The rest of the evening wasn't too bad. Played tennis, but completely sucked the whole time. Just made me angry and want to resort back to the old days where I took my anger out by throwing my racket as hard as possible. Didn't though, thankfully. Came home, played video games like I do every freaking day, and now, I'm just ready to fall asleep. One bad, horrible day. Only means tomorrow is a chance for a good one.

And I need a haircut.

Unfathomable

I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything. My brain has shut down, for lack of a better wording. All I do is eat, sleep, play tennis or play video games. I'm stuck back at the age of 15. I'm stuck back in time, before my dad died, a time when I had nothing on my mind, and even if I did, I hadn't a care in the world about it. It may have been all fine and dandy then, but now, it's not.

I've gotta wake up. I've gotta start doing something with my life. If school is the only thing that will keep me focused, what the hell am I gonna do when I graduate?

First things first - I need to establish a schedule, a routine, a set of guidelines for my daily activities and things I need to do.

Things I need to do:

*. Fix car.

1. Figure out rooming cancelation at App.

2. Finish BiLo job application/get more applications.

3. Finish yardwork.

4. Do more yardwork.

5. Clean up my room/organize.

6. Read/write/do something artistic.

7. Make money - "get money, get paid."

8. Enjoy my summer.

9. Pool parties/hang with friends/go to Wilmington.

With the way I am, lists like this one tend to work backwards. Procrastinate one thing by doing another. Tomorrow, I'll be hanging out with Cody. Today, I hung out with tennis friends. As soon as the pool is fixed, pool parties will ensue. When the time comes, I'll be in Wilmington. I'll make money regardless of what I have to do. In an effort to avoid job applications and cleaning, I'll write and draw. Then I'll clean, and as I clean, I'll end up finding old junk and memories associated with such junk, and waste even more time.

I wonder... what if I behave the way I do because, deep down in my subconscious, I don't have any idea what I would if it was all accomplished?

Something else is behind all of this. Just before summer started, I told myself that my plans were to learn a foreign language, learn to play the piano, and get a job. So far, I've merely acquired a Russian textbook, and barely filled out one job application.

Oy.

Killer in a Party

As I was playing one of my video games today (Oblivion), I came upon a mission for an assassin's guild where I was to enter a large mansion. In this mansion, a party of sorts was being held, including five other people besides me, and we were told that somewhere in the mansion a chest of gold was hidden, and only until someone found it would we be released from the residence. What the others didn't know was that I am an assassin hired to kill them all secretly, one by one.

A fun and interesting mission, not just because I'm going in and slaughtering everything I see, but in the fact that I have to do it intelligently. I am able to talk to the other guests, gain their trust through conversation, and suggest secluded places they should look. Of the guests, one is a retired soldier, another is a drunkard who lost his daughter to a raid of bandits, two are nobles (one young man and one elderly woman), and the last is a young girl with questionable ambitions. Not only do they have these titles, but they also have personalities that shine through as well.

So here's the most interesting part. As I go about assassinating each guest, I thought of all the psychology behind this "experiment." I find it fascinating to think about how these guests react to each murder, and especially to each other as minor dispositions become uncontrolled generalizations and fury. You might say that, as they become increasingly threatened, they revert to more animalistic instincts, ready to take their gut feelings into action rather than maintain a civilized decorum. The ambitious girl and the young noble have a sort of crush on each other, and the drunkard and retired soldier have bitter dispositions toward each other. The older noble is sweet, and approached me to create an alliance. She was the first victim, as I mentioned she should search in the basement. When she went done, we were alone, and the first assassination was a success. Now I must wait until the others calm down a bit, and let down their guard long enough until I can get to the next victim in a secluded room.

This scenario also reminded me of the movie Saw II, where the serial killer brings together a group of people, connected in some way, and traps them in a house. He tells them that they have been breathing in a toxic gas, and in 2 hours, they would die. However, throughout the entrapped house lie antidotes in harmful and hazardous traps. Paranoia and fear, as well as delusion and bewilderment, filled the members as time progressed, and each person reacted differently. A great movie with an even better plot, I recommend it to anyone, even if just to see the psychology behind it.

Awareness

I'm aware that, every time I write something, every time a thought passes through my mind... I either write it down or I lose it.

What I'm more aware of, is that regardless of my actions, the thought is forgotten. Basically, what I'm trying to say, as awkwardly as it's coming out, is that I don't remember what I've written. Since the moment I started writing in my journals, in my Facebook notes, and on here, in my online blogs, I've discovered a lot about myself and have been able to get a lot of stress out. But if you were to ask me what I wrote, I couldn't really tell you. I have vague, generalized ideas of what I've written and what I've talked about in my writings.

The reason I write about this - any time I think of someone reading what I have wrote, I worry that I've recorded some thought or bit of my personality at the time, some issue I may have had at that moment, but not now. I've changed over the past few years, and I'm sure that's apparent from my writings.

As much as I know about myself, there's a lot I don't know to this day. There's a lot to understand and analyze about myself.

I suppose that leads to my idea of writing a book about my life and video games. The idea came to mind in this way:

Summer's started, I'm back home from college, and now I spend most of my days sleeping and playing video games at home. I happened to be playing WoW, which sucks up a lot of my time in the day, and realized how little I was getting accomplished. I thought about all the things I should, and could, be doing. Then writing came to mind. I used to write a lot more than I do now, or at least more occasionally. So I thought I should start writing, or more specifically, start writing a book. I didn't have to think too long before an idea came to mind - write about my experience and influence from video games that spans my lifetime. I've been exposed to and playing video games since I was three years old, beginning with the classic Gameboy Color. Before I digress - I would continue the book with an explanation of what games I was exposed to, and then attempt to analyze and see how these games influenced me and my development, perhaps even my intelligence and social life, and contemplate how my life might have been different. The book would ultimately be an autobiography, but it would be worthwhile for others to read for the mere fact that I'm analyzing the life of a child who grew up with video games, and in our society, that describes a lot of children.

I imagine this book wouldn't be too difficult to write. I feel like I could easily record pages upon pages each day, so the only difficulty or actually work to be done would be editing (and perhaps some other input from my friends. Brianne, another great mind interested in psychology and related matters, could add some valuable input to my book).

With that being said, I hope to get started soon!

Forget yourself.

For just one moment, forget yourself and your worries. Think of all the troubles and hardships around you. Leave your inner world and observe the outer world. Think of others. Forget it all, forget yourself.

So much to be stressed about: homework, tests, projects, relationships, friendships, family, and just life in general. I became blind-sighted once again, losing sight of the outer world, of my family and friends. I became so obsessed and frustrated with my own problems, but finally something shook me.

I looked upon Facebook and noticed that my friend Ali had posted a note, explaining the mishaps and stress of her past week. I saw the pain she felt, and then I saw how horrible of a friend I had been.

"But I would be home this weekend. Then that got so complicated. I felt so shat on by these so called friends, who call me a close friend and offer to help me out, but only at their convenience. God forbid we think that a huge family trauma, and the impending death of a close loved one more important than our own agendas. A friend in need, more important than impromptu plans? More important than getting to spend time with so and so and avoid such and such?"

Nobody likes to feel called out. Everyone likes to say they care and show affection to their friends. Yea, I did care about Ali, and I have been thinking about her and her recent struggle. However, I certainly didn't have the strong feeling of affection behind my words, and as such, I felt exactly as she described it, "face value fake friends."

So tonight, I learn yet another lesson in life, and I learn to open my eyes, and my mind, to the outer world.

Patience

If there's one thing I've learned to accept and incorporate in my life over the past few weeks, it would be patience and the act of being patient. It may have been something as small as waiting in line at the cafeteria or waiting for maintenance on a video game before I could play, to something as big as waiting to find out more about an amazing girl.

Mostly, I've learned that being patient with that girl, Brianne, has been extremely rewarding. My test of patience and discovery of a great friend in Brianne first started with the second or third day of our art class. Everyone had just presented his or her artwork, and Brianne complimented mine, impressed with my creativity, and even asked to get a copy for her room. I was of course filled with joy and my ego boosted, but at the same time, my eyes and my mind were opened to her. I don't remember if it was after that class or the next one, but we went to eat dinner at the cafeteria, spending three or four hours just talking and getting to know each other. For the next couple of art classes, we would talk and go to dinner, always spending a lot of time together.

As you may have guessed from this point onward, I had fallen for her. This was a girl that had a good deal in common with me, and I was genuinely attracted to her. We could talk about our lives, our schools, psychology, math, art, social life, our experiences... whatever came to mind, we both had (and still have) something to talk about.

The only problem - I didn't know if she was single or not. So, being the covert operative that I am, I looked on Facebook to see if there was anything posted there. Nothing. Next area to cover was pictures. From there, I found a few, particular a Valentine's Day album, with her and another guy. No kissing pics, but I had a strong suspicion that he was a boyfriend. Not enough to give up though.

So patient I was. I took the time to learn more about her, and let a really good friendship establish between us. Days passed, maybe a week. Dinner after art classes continued, and so did the fun conversations. By now, we had ventured out to a few different places around town. One particular day, I picked her up from health services to go eat at Macado's, a great restaurant/pub just down the street. We had a great time, but then realized that she had to make it back to her bus stop by 6:45 p.m. As we rushed and managed to make it back in time, I made the offer to take her home to Greensboro. I had classes the next day that I really shouldn't have skipped, and doing something of this nature seemed a bit strange for me, but it was another chance to spend time with Brianne and have a good time. So I drove her home for the two hours it took to get from Boone to Greensboro, and as we neared our destination, she began to call Dustin, because that was where we were heading.

Then it all hit me at once. She was taken. She was dating this guy Dustin. I had just spent my evening and lost my next day of classes to bring this girl to her boyfriend's apartment, and I was too clueless to realize what I had done. But no, this was still not enough to give up. I was invited to stay overnight, and I took them up on the offer. We drank some wine, got some groceries, watched some TV, hung out, and then headed to bed. The whole time though, I observed, for the most part silent, as I always do, to analyze the situation. I got these vibes that things were awkward between Brianne and Dustin, and that there wasn't much of a connection. I saw them kiss though, and that of course, was yet another stab in the heart. But I continued to observe and just relax. The next day came, and I hung out with them, having a great time. My mindset changed from being distraught to trying to enjoy the time spent with some friends. I returned to Boone that evening, but I can't really remember what happened afterwards.

There was no reason to act differently around Brianne, so things stayed as they were. Our friendship grew stronger, and we began to have more fun and adventures as the days passed. Over the past two weeks, we've been hiking and meeting new people, going to parties, smoking up, etc. Basically, just have a even better time than before.

And then, one weekend, while I was over in her room, I ended up spending the night with her. It was awesome. We cuddled and slept, and I couldn't have slept better that night because she was by my side. It was during this time and the evening leading up to that night that I talked to her about my past, my dad, and she talked about her past. We really connected and came to understand each other on a deeper level. So for the next few nights, I stayed over at her place. The second night, I managed to finally get my feelings out and tell her that I liked her, and that I desired nothing more than to simply kiss her. She stated that she had similar feelings, but she needed to wrap things up with Dustin and get things officially ended. I completely understood, so I waited.

Patience.

Three or four days later, in random conversation, she exclaimed she was now single. While I didn't outright react, I was smiling in my mind. That night, we kissed, and it was amazing.

Over the past four or five days, we have been enjoying a fantabulous Easter Break here at App, going to Hebron Rock Colony to hike, going out to eat, meeting new people, rock climbing with her roommate, Marlow, and her friends. And, needless to say, there have been more connections and "physicalities" established between us both, and I couldn't be more happy. There is no classification as to what we are or what shall be or anything. We're merely enjoying the moments. That's what I love most about our friendship.

I'll never forget these days and these memories.

Nor shall I forget the lessons of patience that I have learned.

Beautiful Blue Eyes

Every day for the past few weeks has been the same. Wake up, tired as hell, not even bother to shower, get dressed and go to class, grab groceries on the way back, and be lazy.

But, today, something was different. Something that caught my attention.

I walked into the market on campus, grabbed the pizza bites and milk like always, and waited in line to pay and get out. As I turned to leave, I almost walked into a girl. I smiled and said "excuse me," as she did the same... and I looked into her eyes. In that moment, time came to a slow halt. This girl had the most beautiful, big blue eyes that I had ever seen in my life. While only a passing glance, no longer than a second, my brain recognized how stunning that girl was. And then I continued on, blended into the crowd of people who walk from here to there, there to here.

She won't remember me.

But I'll remember those eyes, those beautiful, big blue eyes.

Really? Really?

Alas, people still make assumptions. Assumptions are stupid. End of story.

What's the Next Step?

After much thought, I find myself at yet another obstacle. Through research, experience, and endless conversations, I now find that I can flirt and find an attractive connection between myself and another girl. It's not entirely easy to find another pretty girl and talk to her, but once I do, I find a great friend and perhaps, significant other. But moving from that step of introduction and friendship onto a level of romantic relationship is the next obstacle for me.

I've met an amazing girl from my art class. We can talk for hours and never exhaust ourselves of interest in some topic. We've talked about psychology, math, art, hiking, food, relationships, behaviors, philosophy, and just about anything else; but at the same time, there's so much more for us to talk about and learn from each other. I've known this girl for maybe a month now, but my only encounters and conversations stem from our excursions after art class every Tuesday and Thursday. I've found her attractive since the first day of art class, and that attraction and connection has only grown since then.

So what's the next step? How do I go from this awesome friendship, and present myself as someone who's interested in a relationship? Like I mentioned, there's much to learn, and much I don't know about her, like, if she has another guy in her life already. And I certainly do not want to approach her with a request for a date, only to be turned down because of currently existing conditions and create an awkward connection between the two of us. I see her every Tuesday and Thursday in a two hour art class, and unless she has already made plans, we go out to eat afterwards, usually talking for two or three hours. Friday we went hiking, and it was certainly a great experience for me for multiple reasons-- I got out into nature, exploring what lies around this busy college town other than restaurants and businesses; I got to go on an adventure with a really great girl, who brings aspects of life to me that, on my own, I probably would never find; and it was practically a date, but only in the sense of two friends hanging out and having a good time, leading to the conclusions that friends can go out and enjoy themselves just as much as a couple, and that even a relationship should enjoy the same excursions, because it's not all about the physical part of a relationship.

After much more thought, I see patterns from previous relationships, particularly the planning of certain events that never fall through. For example: This girl and I have conversed about many things, including hiking to other parks, trying new foods, taking psychology classes, and even getting high together, since I have never been high before. And it made me think back to other relationships, where my significant other said similar things, like we should go do this, or try that, or go see this, etc. Sure enough, those relationships are over, having lasted anywhere from three to eight months, and most of said events never occurred. The physical got in the way, boredom got in the way, and for the most part, we become content with merely being with each other in our houses or a local restaurant.

This might just apply to everyone, but when I first meet someone, especially someone who I might end up dating, I get really excited about all the things I've yet to experience with them. In this case, all the activities this girl and I have talked about. After a few months of dating, however, that excitement tends to die down, and the activities are less likely to happen. I resort back to my natural self of being lazy and introverted, and content, but not happy, with merely being in one place. Perhaps the saying, "Once you catch the train, you stop running" really does reveal a truth in my life, if not the life of everyone.

This past Friday, she and I went hiking and had an amazing evening. An amazing day, for that matter, because I skipped my math class to go to her psychology class, ate lunch, dinner, hiked, made a natural piece of art (Ragtooth the Ice Jelly), drove around, went to Expressions, had an adventure and "cookie showdown" at Harris Teeter, with her.

I almost feel silly for feeling so much for a person I hardly know, but, at the same time, I feel and know enough about her that I can attest for these feelings.

Perhaps, in an attempt to complete this emptiness within myself, I seek to find another who can complete me.

Betrayal?

I don't know if that's the right word to describe this post today, but that's how I'm going to leave it.

Fuck.

I'm hurt. I'm angry. At least I was -- being the softie that I am, I've waited too long to say anything about this, and now the feelings have faded out. I'm numb. But this isn't all your fault; it's mine too. I lost sight, yet again, in yet another relationship. I began to lose myself. I didn't feel like going to that party, but I did anyways, thinking that you wouldn't have as much fun or be as happy if I stayed at home. But I went. We all did.

And sure, the party was fairly exciting and fun for a while. But when I realized there were more than a hundred people I didn't know, with fact I wasn't getting drunk, it was just another situation where I was waiting to leave. Cody didn't have that much fun either, but everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Especially you.

Sure, you came to a party to party. You got drunk. You danced. But I never expected to end the night seeing you making out all over some guy you don't even know. And that hit me hard. That hurt. And it still hurts. I was so mad I could have just screamed at you and left you. But I didn't. I brought you back home with everyone else, and made sure you were safe and got some sleep. I didn't do that because I cared, I did it because you were a fellow friend and partygoer of the group, and it would have been awkward and inappropriate to leave you at the party.

So how did the night end up like this? Let me just tell you my perspective of the events.

After about an hour into the party, everyone was comfortable and socializing. As usual, I just stayed near the group and chilled out, watching and listening to what everyone had to talk about. You stayed outside with the group for most of this period, occasionally going inside to get another drink. But then you started staying inside.

I decided to come inside and see what you were up to, and I found you dancing with Heather and some other girls up front. We danced for a while and then I headed back outside. You came outside but soon ventured back in. Another hour or so passed and you continued to spend more time inside than out with us. I didn't think anything of it; I had hoped you were dancing and having a good time.

It was soon time for us to leave, so I ventured inside with Cody to find you. We made a circle through the house, yet I didn't see you anywhere. Cody then pointed out that you were in the kitchen, wrapped up and talking to some guy. I was a bit disgusted/disappointed, but I just grabbed your arm and told you to get your stuff because we were all leaving. You turned to me like you hadn't just been flirting with some stranger, and told me in a sweet voice that you were going to get your stuff and come outside, then kissed me. I didn't think much of it because at that moment, I didn't you see you doing anything with that guy other than closely hugging him.

I went outside, probably to clear my head after seeing that, and then went to find Callan. When I found her out back and came around to the front, I saw you go back inside. *facepalm* So I went back around through the less-crowded doorway to come find you.

And there you were. With that guy. Again. Rather than do anything, I decided to stay back and see what you were doing. You talked to him for a few seconds, then started making out with him. I was so furious I could have exploded. But I didn't. I left. I went back to the front, anger hidden, and waited for you to get your ass out here so we could leave.

Sure enough, you came out just a little bit later, and came up to me, with that sweet, drunk voice, trying to kiss me and tell me you were having such a good time, and blah blah blah. I looked at you and said, "You went back to that guy and kissed him?" in a semi-pissed tone, and then you started bawling your eyes out, crying, stumbling, and looking like a complete, drunken fool. You told me you were sorry, you were distracted and just having fun, that you love me, that you were so so sorry, and pretty much repeated yourself over the course of the next hour, until we got back home. I honestly didn't give a shit what you had to say, because I was hurt and just wanted to get us back home to sleep. I put you in the car, and we all headed back.

I parked my car out front, and took you inside with Cody and Callan. You went to the bathroom, and I went back to park my car in the lot. When I got back, Cody and Callan were talking, and you were wrapped in my bed, still sobbing and repeating yourself that you were sorry and you loved me. The three of us went outside to smoke and socialize, and then we came back. You were asleep, so your night was over.

The rest of us stayed up, and Kenny, one of the music majors Callan and I met outside, came over to play games. He left, Callan fell asleep, and Cody and I stayed up until 7a.m.

From there, you remember everything I told you, everything I said, that I wasn't angry, that I wasn't going to leave you. Honestly, I was just saying whatever I thought would keep you happy and not bawling all over again. I didn't want you to cry again, but I was really hurt.

And here I am now, just numb and losing affection for you.

As you can see from my earlier blogs, I wasn't 100% into this relationship to begin with, because I was still missing Sarah. But up until the party, I had begin to really start falling for you. I thought that, when I said I love you, that it was every bit of love I had. That when I said I love you, it meant that I truly, emotionally loved you and wanted to be with you. That's why, when the first time I said it, I wanted to wait, because I didn't feel like I was ready to say it.

Now, it's just an empty phrase if I say it. That awesome peak I was reaching with you just flew out the window when I saw you with that guy. I know you were drunk, and I know you were having fun. I know I should have went in earlier to find you. I know I should have just stayed home because I really didn't feel like going.

But things happened the way they did. They can't be fixed, and they can't be erased. I can erase some memories, but a nightmarish image like that, I can't get rid of. I wish I could get over this. I wish I could forgive you and get over myself. But this isn't just something that is solved easily. Or for that matter, at all.

You remember almost everything up to that point. You remember peeing behind the shed and drinking and dancing, and most of all, you remember talking to this guy for a good bit before losing all memory. So I ask, why were you inside talking to this guy if you had all of your other friends outside? And me? You never came to get me to dance, you never stayed outside with me for an extended period of time. For the majority of that party, you were having your time, your enjoyment and drunkenness. You saw your jacket the next day -- it was covered in PJ and wine. I know you were having fun, and you were drinking more because you weren't getting nauseous, but seriously, did it never occur to you that you should have stopped drinking at one point?

I could have been drunk with you. I could have been looking after you to make sure you weren't doing the shit you were. But I don't like to get drunk as much as other people, and I sure wasn't going to babysit you when you are perfectly capable of doing that for yourself.

I had to say all of this. I had to get it out. I had to tell you at some point what I really felt. Being the softie that I am, it hurts me to know that all of these words have the potential to really hurt you and make you sad, and I'm sorry for that. But I'm not sorry for what I have said in this blog.

I honestly don't think I can make this relationship work right now. Maybe a break would help me clear my mind and get over this. But at the moment, I just feel empty, and I don't feel that strong about our relationship. I feel like it would be fake if we kept this up.

One last thing I would like to make a note of is this: at one point, either during your drunken bawling and repetitive speech or at a later time, you said that this has happened before. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn't. Either way, I know you have a lot more experience with drinking, and I think you should have known your limits.

I'm sorry Ali.

It's over.

Waking Up.

Today has been a pretty laid-back, pointless day. I woke up without an alarm clock, feeling rested and awake. I grabbed my Gameboy and played Pokemon Blue for the majority of the day. There were times when I grabbed some food, went to the bathroom, got on Facebook, and looked at videos on Youtube, but for the most part, nothing particularly new, curious, or interesting occurred.

And then, when I was looking at a picture of my ex-girlfriend, I realized something. It clicked in my mind, that the cause of all my grief, was that I lost a lover, but not a friend. I never had that time or opportunity to find a friend in Sarah, and now, after looking at her profile on Facebook, there is no other way in which I can look at her. She was never just another friend, she was a girlfriend, a significant other in my life. A person who became my life.

I can't look at her. I can't talk to her. I can't even bring myself to visit her. And my heart screams at me to do all those things.... yet I can not think of what to say or when to visit, or what we could even do if we hung out. My mind is scrambled and I feel awkward about anything involving her.

And so there she is. Not a classmate, not an old friend, not even just another student who went to my school, but a lover that I can't forget. A beautiful young girl that has probably moved on in her life, and probably doesn't even think about me. After all the effort and love and care I put into my relationship with her, it never dawned on me to put more into a friendship with her. So now I've lost it all. She's just an image in my mind of what was and what could have been. An image of happiness that was foolishly lost.

And I still have all these damn things from our relationship -- gifts, pictures, cards, drawings -- lying around my house and car and dorm room. I just want to take it all, box it up, and leave it at her doorstep, because it brings too much pain to look at all the memories we made. I don't know when I'll have the courage to do that. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do that.