The metaphor of my life. What is it? Well, I'm certain no one else has ever pictured it this way, but I sorta see life as one big race. There's not necessarily one beginning or end, and there are multiple paths, but the paths are only half the equation; the other half is the people I meet in my life that are running with me. When I close my eyes, I see various friends, family, and acquaintances running along side me. Where we're running, I'm not sure. We each have our goals, our opportunities, and basically, our own paths to take. As I meet new people, their path joins into mine. As I lose friends and family, as people fade out of my life, they take different paths off from mine. Some don't take other paths, they just fall behind and disappear. Others reach ahead and make it to their destination. Me, I'm still running.
Get the picture?
This led my though process into a realization of probably my biggest flaw - insecurity. I don't know why I'm insecure, but I can see it now. Every experience brought me closer to this realization. The question is, can I change it, can I grow out of it? Maybe. My friends tend to surround me and it fades away. But even they can't stick around forever. Where did it develop? Maybe from my childhood, when my parents both had jobs and were constantly in and out of the house. I remember so many times when I would cry my heart out, begging them not to leave when they had to go to work. So maybe, it's the losses I suffered, or seem to have suffered, in my life that caused this.
Insecurity --> worrying, and a lot of it. But I can't be a wuss, I can't constantly ask questions and be wound up in my worries. Good is typically followed by bad, but even bad comes to an end of good. There's just so much pain in the bad though... I know it's a bad thing to wish, but I kind of wish I was older, so I didn't have all the worries and inconveniences that I currently possess. I wish I was still at school, working and learning, and not being bored for the summer. I wish I had a job so I had plenty of money, as my bank account is dwindling very close to nothingness. I wish I had a car that wouldn't need repairs every few months. I wish my dad was still here. I wish I could be with Brianne right now, and just hold her in my arms. I wish I could sleep peacefully, waking up fully rested and able to recall my dreams. I wish I could understand my dreams, in an attempt to communicate with my subconscious. I wish I could smoke a really big blunt right now. I wish I didn't need so much. I wish life was easier. I wish I had definite proof of God, and all the answers and wisdom, and then, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't worry so damn much.
Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe this all sprouted from my bad morning. Either way, my day has been kinda shitty. Let's start with my dream. I was having the most fascinating dream, and I could almost understand and analyze what was occurring in my dream, when suddenly, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door I hear. I wake up, startled, forget my dream to the small detail of a creature I named "moody," and answered the door to see my grandpa. I know he meant no harm, and I love him, but waking me up without any notice, then expecting me to jump up and get to work, was completely uncalled for. It doesn't help that I don't have my car at this point either, so when I went with him to work at his house, I couldn't leave until he was ready to bring me home.
So he asks me if I'm hungry, and I say no. I don't eat breakfast usually because I have no appetite. But we end up stopping at McDonalds, and he gets something to eat. We then have various conversations about work, my house at school, my mom, and life. Most of it was him preaching about his values, which I don't usually mind, but, being a night-owl and far from a morning person, I was grumpy and just ready to leave.
We get to his house, and start digging in the ground to find a water line. It's hot, this is drudgingly slow, and I'm irritated. I decide to go get the lawnmower and cut the grass. Hours pass, I cut all the grass, and my grandma takes me to get my car. A ridiculous $413.44 to repair brakes, regrind rotors, and re-plug some fucking wires that the last mechanics forgot to reconnect. $100 labor is ok, but some of the charges seem a bit ridiculous. Oh, and they didn't even fix the goddamn leak, as that was one of the main problems, too. However, they STILL don't know where the leak is coming from. At least this time they didn't charge and replace something in a lame-ass attempt to fix it - last time, they replaced my transmission, because they thought that was the cause of the leak. Guess not.
Got home. The rest of the evening wasn't too bad. Played tennis, but completely sucked the whole time. Just made me angry and want to resort back to the old days where I took my anger out by throwing my racket as hard as possible. Didn't though, thankfully. Came home, played video games like I do every freaking day, and now, I'm just ready to fall asleep. One bad, horrible day. Only means tomorrow is a chance for a good one.
And I need a haircut.
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