The Metaphor of My Life/ On Insecurities / Bad Day

So much information, I had to cram it all in one post:

The metaphor of my life. What is it? Well, I'm certain no one else has ever pictured it this way, but I sorta see life as one big race. There's not necessarily one beginning or end, and there are multiple paths, but the paths are only half the equation; the other half is the people I meet in my life that are running with me. When I close my eyes, I see various friends, family, and acquaintances running along side me. Where we're running, I'm not sure. We each have our goals, our opportunities, and basically, our own paths to take. As I meet new people, their path joins into mine. As I lose friends and family, as people fade out of my life, they take different paths off from mine. Some don't take other paths, they just fall behind and disappear. Others reach ahead and make it to their destination. Me, I'm still running.

Get the picture?

This led my though process into a realization of probably my biggest flaw - insecurity. I don't know why I'm insecure, but I can see it now. Every experience brought me closer to this realization. The question is, can I change it, can I grow out of it? Maybe. My friends tend to surround me and it fades away. But even they can't stick around forever. Where did it develop? Maybe from my childhood, when my parents both had jobs and were constantly in and out of the house. I remember so many times when I would cry my heart out, begging them not to leave when they had to go to work. So maybe, it's the losses I suffered, or seem to have suffered, in my life that caused this.

Insecurity --> worrying, and a lot of it. But I can't be a wuss, I can't constantly ask questions and be wound up in my worries. Good is typically followed by bad, but even bad comes to an end of good. There's just so much pain in the bad though... I know it's a bad thing to wish, but I kind of wish I was older, so I didn't have all the worries and inconveniences that I currently possess. I wish I was still at school, working and learning, and not being bored for the summer. I wish I had a job so I had plenty of money, as my bank account is dwindling very close to nothingness. I wish I had a car that wouldn't need repairs every few months. I wish my dad was still here. I wish I could be with Brianne right now, and just hold her in my arms. I wish I could sleep peacefully, waking up fully rested and able to recall my dreams. I wish I could understand my dreams, in an attempt to communicate with my subconscious. I wish I could smoke a really big blunt right now. I wish I didn't need so much. I wish life was easier. I wish I had definite proof of God, and all the answers and wisdom, and then, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't worry so damn much.

Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe this all sprouted from my bad morning. Either way, my day has been kinda shitty. Let's start with my dream. I was having the most fascinating dream, and I could almost understand and analyze what was occurring in my dream, when suddenly, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door I hear. I wake up, startled, forget my dream to the small detail of a creature I named "moody," and answered the door to see my grandpa. I know he meant no harm, and I love him, but waking me up without any notice, then expecting me to jump up and get to work, was completely uncalled for. It doesn't help that I don't have my car at this point either, so when I went with him to work at his house, I couldn't leave until he was ready to bring me home.

So he asks me if I'm hungry, and I say no. I don't eat breakfast usually because I have no appetite. But we end up stopping at McDonalds, and he gets something to eat. We then have various conversations about work, my house at school, my mom, and life. Most of it was him preaching about his values, which I don't usually mind, but, being a night-owl and far from a morning person, I was grumpy and just ready to leave.

We get to his house, and start digging in the ground to find a water line. It's hot, this is drudgingly slow, and I'm irritated. I decide to go get the lawnmower and cut the grass. Hours pass, I cut all the grass, and my grandma takes me to get my car. A ridiculous $413.44 to repair brakes, regrind rotors, and re-plug some fucking wires that the last mechanics forgot to reconnect. $100 labor is ok, but some of the charges seem a bit ridiculous. Oh, and they didn't even fix the goddamn leak, as that was one of the main problems, too. However, they STILL don't know where the leak is coming from. At least this time they didn't charge and replace something in a lame-ass attempt to fix it - last time, they replaced my transmission, because they thought that was the cause of the leak. Guess not.

Got home. The rest of the evening wasn't too bad. Played tennis, but completely sucked the whole time. Just made me angry and want to resort back to the old days where I took my anger out by throwing my racket as hard as possible. Didn't though, thankfully. Came home, played video games like I do every freaking day, and now, I'm just ready to fall asleep. One bad, horrible day. Only means tomorrow is a chance for a good one.

And I need a haircut.

Unfathomable

I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything. My brain has shut down, for lack of a better wording. All I do is eat, sleep, play tennis or play video games. I'm stuck back at the age of 15. I'm stuck back in time, before my dad died, a time when I had nothing on my mind, and even if I did, I hadn't a care in the world about it. It may have been all fine and dandy then, but now, it's not.

I've gotta wake up. I've gotta start doing something with my life. If school is the only thing that will keep me focused, what the hell am I gonna do when I graduate?

First things first - I need to establish a schedule, a routine, a set of guidelines for my daily activities and things I need to do.

Things I need to do:

*. Fix car.

1. Figure out rooming cancelation at App.

2. Finish BiLo job application/get more applications.

3. Finish yardwork.

4. Do more yardwork.

5. Clean up my room/organize.

6. Read/write/do something artistic.

7. Make money - "get money, get paid."

8. Enjoy my summer.

9. Pool parties/hang with friends/go to Wilmington.

With the way I am, lists like this one tend to work backwards. Procrastinate one thing by doing another. Tomorrow, I'll be hanging out with Cody. Today, I hung out with tennis friends. As soon as the pool is fixed, pool parties will ensue. When the time comes, I'll be in Wilmington. I'll make money regardless of what I have to do. In an effort to avoid job applications and cleaning, I'll write and draw. Then I'll clean, and as I clean, I'll end up finding old junk and memories associated with such junk, and waste even more time.

I wonder... what if I behave the way I do because, deep down in my subconscious, I don't have any idea what I would if it was all accomplished?

Something else is behind all of this. Just before summer started, I told myself that my plans were to learn a foreign language, learn to play the piano, and get a job. So far, I've merely acquired a Russian textbook, and barely filled out one job application.

Oy.

Killer in a Party

As I was playing one of my video games today (Oblivion), I came upon a mission for an assassin's guild where I was to enter a large mansion. In this mansion, a party of sorts was being held, including five other people besides me, and we were told that somewhere in the mansion a chest of gold was hidden, and only until someone found it would we be released from the residence. What the others didn't know was that I am an assassin hired to kill them all secretly, one by one.

A fun and interesting mission, not just because I'm going in and slaughtering everything I see, but in the fact that I have to do it intelligently. I am able to talk to the other guests, gain their trust through conversation, and suggest secluded places they should look. Of the guests, one is a retired soldier, another is a drunkard who lost his daughter to a raid of bandits, two are nobles (one young man and one elderly woman), and the last is a young girl with questionable ambitions. Not only do they have these titles, but they also have personalities that shine through as well.

So here's the most interesting part. As I go about assassinating each guest, I thought of all the psychology behind this "experiment." I find it fascinating to think about how these guests react to each murder, and especially to each other as minor dispositions become uncontrolled generalizations and fury. You might say that, as they become increasingly threatened, they revert to more animalistic instincts, ready to take their gut feelings into action rather than maintain a civilized decorum. The ambitious girl and the young noble have a sort of crush on each other, and the drunkard and retired soldier have bitter dispositions toward each other. The older noble is sweet, and approached me to create an alliance. She was the first victim, as I mentioned she should search in the basement. When she went done, we were alone, and the first assassination was a success. Now I must wait until the others calm down a bit, and let down their guard long enough until I can get to the next victim in a secluded room.

This scenario also reminded me of the movie Saw II, where the serial killer brings together a group of people, connected in some way, and traps them in a house. He tells them that they have been breathing in a toxic gas, and in 2 hours, they would die. However, throughout the entrapped house lie antidotes in harmful and hazardous traps. Paranoia and fear, as well as delusion and bewilderment, filled the members as time progressed, and each person reacted differently. A great movie with an even better plot, I recommend it to anyone, even if just to see the psychology behind it.

Awareness

I'm aware that, every time I write something, every time a thought passes through my mind... I either write it down or I lose it.

What I'm more aware of, is that regardless of my actions, the thought is forgotten. Basically, what I'm trying to say, as awkwardly as it's coming out, is that I don't remember what I've written. Since the moment I started writing in my journals, in my Facebook notes, and on here, in my online blogs, I've discovered a lot about myself and have been able to get a lot of stress out. But if you were to ask me what I wrote, I couldn't really tell you. I have vague, generalized ideas of what I've written and what I've talked about in my writings.

The reason I write about this - any time I think of someone reading what I have wrote, I worry that I've recorded some thought or bit of my personality at the time, some issue I may have had at that moment, but not now. I've changed over the past few years, and I'm sure that's apparent from my writings.

As much as I know about myself, there's a lot I don't know to this day. There's a lot to understand and analyze about myself.

I suppose that leads to my idea of writing a book about my life and video games. The idea came to mind in this way:

Summer's started, I'm back home from college, and now I spend most of my days sleeping and playing video games at home. I happened to be playing WoW, which sucks up a lot of my time in the day, and realized how little I was getting accomplished. I thought about all the things I should, and could, be doing. Then writing came to mind. I used to write a lot more than I do now, or at least more occasionally. So I thought I should start writing, or more specifically, start writing a book. I didn't have to think too long before an idea came to mind - write about my experience and influence from video games that spans my lifetime. I've been exposed to and playing video games since I was three years old, beginning with the classic Gameboy Color. Before I digress - I would continue the book with an explanation of what games I was exposed to, and then attempt to analyze and see how these games influenced me and my development, perhaps even my intelligence and social life, and contemplate how my life might have been different. The book would ultimately be an autobiography, but it would be worthwhile for others to read for the mere fact that I'm analyzing the life of a child who grew up with video games, and in our society, that describes a lot of children.

I imagine this book wouldn't be too difficult to write. I feel like I could easily record pages upon pages each day, so the only difficulty or actually work to be done would be editing (and perhaps some other input from my friends. Brianne, another great mind interested in psychology and related matters, could add some valuable input to my book).

With that being said, I hope to get started soon!