Get money. Get paid.

Reality check. Time for my wake-up call. A couple of my friends finally seem to be getting theirs, but here I am in my lazy ass summer again the same as summers before - jobless, apathetic, bored, lacking creativity and motivation.

I know what's wrong. I know what to do to fix it. But it always seems to take one of those "near-death" wake up calls to sit you on your ass and actually motivate you to do something about it. Still waiting on mine. But who's to say I can't go ahead and find it? To get a head start and make my reality check reality?

Don't let your check bounce. Get up and do something.

My Understanding Is Limited

There's so much more about life that I learn each and every day. I can't learn everything from my own means - most of what I have learned is through the experiences of my friends. If I knew what I do now, I would totally have changed a lot in my life. I don't think there's anything wrong with regretting the past. That's not to say, I accept what has happened, and I'm definitely not letting it hold me back.

Clarity. Knowledge. Wisdom. Patience. Those are the things I need the most.

Which reminds me of the seven virtues. According to Wikipedia, the Catholic ones are Prudence, Justice, Temperance, Fortitude, Faith, Hope, and Charity. Another list claims them as Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, and Humility. The Knightly virtues are Courage, Justice, Mercy, Charity, Faith, Valor, Hope, Chastity, Humility, and Resolve.

Seems like the world might be a better place if people had these virtues, huh? I would think so, but the world that has evolved with us couldn't handle that sort of existence. There's too much conflict in this world. In fact, there's just too much "sin" in this world.

But can these so called virtues and sins coexist? Who knows.

It's hard to believe that two opposites can exist together.

Impressions

No matter how much I think I grow and change, I am still shy around people I don't know. Whether they are complete strangers, or neighbors I never got the chance to meet, sometimes I just can't muster up the courage to go meet someone and socialize. Truth is, I don't really know how to socialize with people I don't know. When I'm around my friends, I can be myself. I can be goofy, silly, and relax. They don't care if I say anything or not. Around them, I'm comfortable. Maybe it's a matter of meeting and socializing on my own terms. I typically meet new people after working in a similar environment - for example, going to a class everyday at school gives me the opportunity to meet someone who has something in common with me.

I bring this topic up for one reason - I'm currently at my grandparent's house for the weekend, and the neighbors are over with friends and family. Not a big crowd, but the fact stands that I don't really know these people, nor do I particularly want to go swim in a pool with 5 other little kids splashing and jumping in. I prefer to get in a pool to exercise and swim some laps. The biggest thing that baffles me though, is that I can't bring myself to meet the neighbors daughter, Jenna, who's probably 16 or so. Just another teenager that could be a good summer friend.

And just yesterday, I went out to a small party at my friend Leah's house, knowing only her and Shelby. I had enough courage to go there, surrounded by only two friends and 6 people I had never met before. But I had fun. I met some new people. They're definitely not the kind of people I would hang out with, but I had fun regardless.

I guess that's it. The small thing I have in common with a stranger let's me open up. Let's me socialize. At the party, it was having two friends already there.

But here, it's just me. No friends, no common traits to my knowledge. So I revert back to the shy person I am. I stay inside. And I wait until they leave. Then I can only wish that I had met them.

Curse my personality. Curse my shyness.

Focus

I'm standing on the court, bouncing the ball. Back and forth, up and down, hand to concrete, concrete to hand. I throw it up, I swing my racket, and the serve is complete. The main part of the formula? Focus.

In fact, I'd say it's the main part of the whole game. Focus on your movement, your serves, your swings, your footwork. Don't be distracted. Don't think about anything else that creeps into your mind. Don't let those lost points and little mistakes bring you down. Focus on improving yourself and your game.

There's so much I can bring from a game of tennis, and apply it to my life. I've been so lax, so lazy, apathetic and unconcerned about my summer. I keep thinking to myself: I need a job, I need money, I need to figure out issues regarding school. And then I think: I want to see Brianne, I want to play my video games, I want to take a road trip, I want to move to Boone already and live in my house. All I really want is to have a carefree summer. But the time has passed; I had plenty of opportunities to do that as a child. Now, I have to live in the real world. I have to be an adult. I have to get a job. I have to focus on what matters the most.

Which, in a contradictory sort of way, some wants do matter the most. Some things have to happen, or life isn't lived to it's fullest. I'm not as happy as I could be if I don't experience these certain wants.

Regardless, I have to prioritize the needs.

Tonight, I will go to sleep before midnight. Tomorrow, I will wake up early. I will apply for more jobs, I will drive around town to find work. I will get online and sort out my financial aid and class registration. I will make time to eat and relax, but for the most part, I will be productive. In my downtime, I will turn away from unproductive video games, and I will read a book or work on an art project. I will look up summer classes still available. I will research graduate schools. I will clean my room and my car. I will exercise.

And most importantly, I will think of you, and how much I miss you.