It's been quite the ride so far.

I'm still so young, but at the same time, so much has happened in my life. Growing up, hitting 13, hitting puberty, hitting 16, hitting 17, getting that drivers license and car, hitting 18, seeing nothing special, hitting 19, hitting 20... I feel like I've definitely grown wiser over these past few years. At some point, I'm in middle school waiting to get home and play video games, and then suddenly, I'm in college trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. With all this wisdom and knowledge comes more and more responsibility, and let's not forget all the hardships of life. There's no worries when you're a kid. None. You enjoy everything, and even if you get upset, within no time at all you forgot why you were even upset in the first place. You don't have to worry about where your food is coming from, or where you'll be sleeping at night. You don't have any bills to pay. You don't have to find a job so you can get what you need. You don't have to worry about drugs, corruption, politics, college and grad school, a career, love, girlfriends, relationships, friends with benefits, friends who claim to be friends, friends who only show up when they need something, enemies, success, failure, the newest gadgets, having a good vehicle, eating healthy, staying in shape, finding something to entertain yourself, and especially, you don't have to worry about anyone other than yourself.

But just like time, our lives are linear. Years progress, we grow older and transition from stage to stage, facing challenges everywhere. We're taught so much, we're taught that the world doesn't revolve around us. We discover the most difficult challenge in life to be love, and it's with love that we will discover out most immense emotions of happiness, sadness, hatred, jealousy, desire, and disappointment.

Through my twenty years of living, I've experienced a lot through my own endeavors, but I've also learned a great deal about love from those around me, whether it's from my own friends, children, parents, family, strangers, television, movies, books, or the elderly. Different generations have different perspectives of love. I feel that love is one of the most largely, misunderstood, mysterious, and unknown ideas in life. It's different for everyone, even if there's a consensus on certain emotions and experiences that ensues from love. The Greeks even classified love into three types - agápe, éros, and philia.

Agápe is translated to mean brotherly love, and is applied in a general sense of affection to all - unconditional love. Philia is translated as a love of friendship, and is generally shared among friends and family. But the one that really gets me, the one I feel holds so much mystery, is éros. Éros is translated as passionate love, and while it could also be translated as a sexual desire, it essentially means an emotional love. Love for friends and family comes so easily. We are born into the household of our parents, and first find love in their company. From our early childhood we befriend many other children, and experience that friendly love when lasting connections are made between classmates and best friends. As we mature, we encounter the third love, the love known as éros, and it affects so much of our emotions.

Do you remember your first crush? Do you remember the feelings you experienced when you thought of that person, the thoughts that passed through your mind? Whether you've had a significant other in your lifetime, we've all experienced that crush at some point or another. With it comes our desire to become closer, to experience the true nature of an emotional connection with someone else. But don't be confused by the lust that accompanies éros - as we mature and discover love, it is by nature that we lust for one another. For those of you that have ever had a significant other, or just been physically close to another, each bit of physical interaction only tempts us more. I have no reason to hide who I am or what I have done - I, like many others, have enjoyed these sensual experiences. I've also experienced a full range of emotions along with each and every experience, so I feel I have some justification, or perhaps, truth in my words when I say this: love, or éros, is nothing at all about sexual desires and our fulfillment of them. Love is about that inexplicable, emotional connection that we experience with others. Emotional, in the sense that it transcends the love of the body (or lust), and perhaps the love of the mind. Inexplicable, because there is no way to qualitatively or quantitatively describe it. Connection, in the sense that two people are so close, so alike and compatible, that it just feels right. I can search through the depths of my minds, but I can not muster any other way to describe it. It something that you have to experience to really understand, and even as you attempt to understand it through your experiences, I feel like you really won't know what it is, until it is. One day, you'll just find yourself embraced in the middle of love, and you'll feel this great sense of happiness.

We are all searching for it. We all read books about romance, watch movies about love, gossip to each other about relationships, fantasize about beautiful women or gorgeous men, and we all dream about "the one."

Just like life, love is one big mystery. It's about exploration, discovery, hardships and happiness. It's about broken hearts, disappointment, let-downs and lost opportunities. It's about being content, loving yourself, appreciating your friends and family. It's about memories, and it's about moving on. It's about the experience.

There is only one happiness in life -- to love and to be loved.
--George Sand

What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels.
--St. Augustine

"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams."
--Dr Seuss

Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
--Henri Frederic Amiel

The best thing about me is you.
--Shannon Crown

Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.
--Bette Davis

If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.
--Anonymous

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
--Sam Keen

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
--Heather Cortez

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

--Helen Keller

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
--Neil Gaiman

"When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman."
--Joss Whedon

"Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different."
--Stacey Charter

"Never love anything that can't love you back."
--Bruce Williams

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
--Erica Mann Jong

"The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together."
--Barbara de Angelis

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."
--Stacey Charter

"Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us."
--Marianne Williamson

¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

-- 1 Corinthians 13:1-7

What I'd give for a smoke right now.

Nothing else seems to calm my nerves more than that.

Those who wait, and those who keep waiting.

I'm not sure where I stand.

Life has brought a lot of things, good and bad, and damn, the bad things seem to outweigh the good in my mind. Loss, failure, disconnection, frustration, sadness, depression, separation, abandonment, sickness, solitude.

I guess a lot of it can be summed up by saying I'm a lost soul.

You hear of people who have experienced so many bad things in life, just like I mentioned above. Every day as miserable as the last, every day a lost of hope. Life has shit on them, so they turn to death.

And you hear others say what a shame it was, how they wished this person would have said something, how they wished this person had someone to turn to. You hear them say, they gave up. -- They abandoned the world, as the world abandoned them. They gave up hope, just as the world showed no hope. They left their friends and family, just as their friends and family left them.

If you're all alone in this world, does it even matter if you disappear?

There are those who wait, and those who keep waiting. I'm not sure where I stand.

As Happy as possible...

And not much is very possible at this point in time.

But I'm glad we talked. I'm glad that it could end gradually, letting our hands, once grasped together so tight, fall slowly apart. Every finger touching, into each finger losing their soul mate as they pulled away. An empty hand now, but one still close to yours.

We're friends, you know. Some parts of us perfect, but must of the time, our other parts are nothing more than frustration and annoyance. We have a lot to figure out. I still haven't figured out what I'm doing with my life, and I haven't quite grown into the person I want to be. I can tell that you've already got some life goals, or at least an idea of where you're going with your life. I know you want to succeed in college, and move on to a great graduate program, even if it's across the country. You're ready to move, you're ready to start showing the world your potential, your intelligence, and your contribution to others. All I know is that I'm majoring in mathematics.

So we have parts that are great and parts that are not the best, but that's what makes us good friends. We established this friendship on such great terms, really getting to know one another. Maybe we grew to know each other a little too much; maybe there's still I lot more to find out about one another.

It won't be the best few weeks coming up, but I know that we'll get through it. Oh, there's sadness alright, lot's of sadness. But there's also a lot of potential to have a great time the next few weeks. School ends soon, and I know there's relief in finishing another semester. If you're like me, your ready to move on to that next semester, eager to find out what else you can learn.

I don't mean to say that I'm ready to move on from you, but progress is good. We've been working through this, and it gets easier.

I guess one thing that makes me sad the most, is the contrast I see in losing someone, between a failing relationship and the sudden death of a loved one. My dad died and that was it. I had no chances to tell him I loved him before he left, no chances to really talk to him and bond with him. To pay attention to all the things he tried to teach me and encourage me to do. And then there's you. Our relationship, in whatever form it may have been, fell apart. I know we'll always be friends, but looking ahead, I'm afraid I'll lose you completely, watching from afar as I see you living a new life... one without me.

I'm not saying that I would have rather you died; no, thats absurd. I'm merely saying, that, in some strange manner, its almost more heartbreak to see you walk away.

Things happened the way they did though.

And here we are now.

I'll always have the memories. Always.

I will always remember that last night, that last moment of happiness in your arms.

I love you Brianne.

I always will.

Truth is, I'm really just a lost soul.

I really have no direction in my life, and my state of awareness is either distracted or hopeless. I'm either distracted by all the material crap in this world to know what I'm doing, or I'm hopelessly aware of the slum my life is in.

Truth is, I'm lost.

I find myself more depressed more often, and the thoughts I've been having aren't that great... in fact, they're pretty grim. Morbid, even.

What the hell do I do? Get diagnosed and take medicine? Kill myself? Restart my life in hopes of happiness or direction? Move somewhere? Do something spectacular?

Or do I just sit here and continue my useless daily routines...

Can a person really change?

Ah, but the real question is, what is your definition of person? Can you define yourself if you don't know yourself? You're a lazy bum who has no direction in life. No, that's because I'm lost. I don't know who I am. Loophole. Paradox. Mayhem and chaos. No resolutions.

Change.

I will change my life. I will redefine myself, and begin by destroying myself. If I have any hope of becoming someone new, I must abandon the most dominate aspects of my current life:

Video games.

Junk food.

Uncleanliness.

Procrastination.

Shyness.

Isolation.

Laziness.

Sleep schedule.

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Reading.

Researching.

Healthy.

Piano.

Being open.

Adventurous.

Active.

Proactive.

Tidy.

Clean.

Connected.

I don't expect the changes to come immediately, although that would be the best approach. However, I do expect them to come gradually.

How could I be lost when I know exactly who I am?

Need.

I don't need much. I don't need the cable. I don't especially need the internet. I don't really need my computer, given the exception of my math research (over 5000 possibilities of a problem? I think I'll stick to the computer programs). I don't need the video games. I don't need the candy. I don't need the heater. I don't need to live with people of other lifestyles than my own. I don't need to stay here at this college, getting a seemingly mediocre education. I don't need to move to another college. I don't need new friends, and I don't need old ones. I don't need my family. I don't need all the clothes I have, nor do I need all the useless technology I own. I don't need a girlfriend, I don't need a best friend. I don't need anything in this world other than four things:

Air, food, water, survival skills.

Oh, but you need this, and you need that. You need this raise to get a better car. You need this new watch to look more fashionable. You need this new video game to play with your friends. You need this calculator to do these math problems. You need this computer and printer to do your homework and print out assignments. You need these shoes to walk. You need these clothes to hide yourself, define yourself. You need these decorations to make your home enjoyable and pleasurable. You need this better quality food for your health. You need to get surgery to fix that unwanted appearance. You need to learn another language because knowing one isn't enough. You need to have more friends, because you're not social enough already. You need to stop doing drugs and ruining your body. You need to focus on driving and not text every minute of the way. You need to go to college to get a better education, and with that education, get a high salary job, because you need that to have money, and you need money to have a successful and enjoyable life.

There are needs. There are desires. And then there are just things you can't explain.

I can't explain it, but I have this urge to find myself. I'm lost. It's not because of you that I'm lost, in fact, because of you I realize this. Because of you, I have become a better person. Your care and affection has helped me realize things that I never would have on my own. I appreciate it. But like some great mind told me once, "people can only influence you and your decisions - but you are the one who ultimately makes the decision."

So here I am, needing to make a decision. Desiring to make a decision. Having that unexplainable urge to make a decision. But something is holding me back. Is it the past? Surely this is an asinine thing to do, holding on to the past, preventing it from letting me move forward, progress, grow, learn, adapt, expand, discover, explore.

But... how do you let go of something so dear to you?