If you died today, would you be able to say you lived a good life?

Every day is different, every day has it's ups and downs, it's complications, it's surprises and let downs. Every day is a new opportunity, a chance to do something different - or to live the same way.

When I saw this question on Facebook, I knew within seconds that my answer was no. There's plenty of great memories, but I honestly don't think I've had the greatest life in the world. I've had too many downfalls, too many depressed summers, and childhood passed right before my eyes. Too many wishes that never came true - I wish I had siblings, I wish I had more friends as a kid, I wish my dad never died, I wish I had taken all those opportunities, I wish I had went to public school, I wish I had gotten to know my family more, I wish I wasn't so spoiled as a kid, I wish I had superpowers, I wish I could go back in time, I wish I hadn't lost all my friends in 6th grade, I wish I could keep a stable relationship with someone, I wish I had someone I could talk to about anything, I wish I had a best friend, I wish I hadn't let so many people down, I wish I wasn't so jealous of my friends, I wish I could just talk to you and let you know how I really feel, I wish life were easier, I wish my childhood hadn't flown by so quickly, I wish my family would give me more credit, I wish I was more like everyone else, I wish I was less like myself, I wish I could play the piano, I wish I could fly, I wish I could live in a foreign country, I wish I could travel the world, I wish I could live in a different period of time, I wish I could make decisions that lasted, I wish I wasn't so indecisive about everything I do - but most importantly, I wish I could figure out you.

At this moment in time, death would leave me with questions and regrets. So here I stand, ready to get up, talk, and find my answers. I vow to do something with my life, if only I do one little thing, each day. My first priority is to go to all those open doors, and close them. Finding closure is the first thing on my mind. Finding answers, and giving them.

Indecisive

That's my middle name. No matter what aspect of my life I come across, I just can't seem to make up my mind on something. I almost feel like, in some sense, that I'm two different people, each with their own decisions and conflicting opinions. I see this indecisiveness in everything I do - games, entertainment, clothes, restaurants, hobbies, passions, majors in college, grad schools - even what I want for dinner sometimes.

But is it a problem to be so indecisive? I guess part of my reasoning for this behavior is my "what if" thought - the one where I pick one choice and quickly hesitate, thinking, what if I chose the other one?

A recent solution I've stumbled across is to weigh out the options and consequences of all my possible decisions. It turns out that a lot of them really don't matter, like what I decided to eat for the night, pizza or breakfast? But some of them really do matter, and I need to think about those more.

I need to distinguish between my hormones, my emotions, and my reasoning. With that clarity, I have my answer.

What if you're the girl of my dreams?

This summer has been pretty fail on my part. I've been lazy since the day I got home. I didn't apply for any jobs, I didn't work on any artwork, I did no research or scholarship searches, I really didn't even hang out with my old friends or family. I just sat around, playing video games, sleeping, and wasting my days away.

It was getting to me. Bringing me down. Depression set in. There's plenty I could have done, people I could see and hang out with. But I remained apathetic. I saw my friends around me, enjoying their summer, and some of them had their wake up call to reality. I kept telling myself, things will be better once I get my wake up call. So I waited.

About a month ago, I started applying for jobs, because I knew I had to make some money to live in my house for college this fall. And then, these bills and charges came out of nowhere, and I really started panicking. I knew that I HAD to get a job, regardless of where it was or what I had to do. In the end, I think I had applied to 15 different places. I waited weeks, and I had almost given up. I was either going to go back in to my state of laziness, wasting my days away, or, I was going to start applying to restaurants, the last place I wanted to work.

Needless to say, life was going downhill. It's miserable here in this small town.

Then one morning, I woke up. I told myself that waiting was not the answer to this problem. I was going to start being active and get something done. Later that day, I was at my grandparent's house, ready to swim in their pool. I looked up at the vast, blue sky, and around me at such a beautiful scene of nature. Then I looked into the water. That pool has always been a means of relaxation for me. I could sit there for hours, lost in thoughts staring at the water. At that moment however, I told myself, once I dive into this water, I will change my life. I will become a better person, and do something with my life. The water, in a way, was a cleansing of my body and mind.

A few days later, Walmart called me, ready to interview me for a job, which I now have after I take a drug test and present identification. Then I figured out the bills for my house, and my financial aid. And today, I saw my Aunt Rosie and Uncle James, almost a year since I saw them last. It was good to see them again and talk to them, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I don't have much faith in religion, in fact, I don't have much faith. But, after I made that pact and dived in the water, things have been better in my life. We'll see how things play out, but I'm happier too.

And while I still have unanswered questions, I know that I'll be stronger, and ready to hear them when they come.