Unfathomable

I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything. My brain has shut down, for lack of a better wording. All I do is eat, sleep, play tennis or play video games. I'm stuck back at the age of 15. I'm stuck back in time, before my dad died, a time when I had nothing on my mind, and even if I did, I hadn't a care in the world about it. It may have been all fine and dandy then, but now, it's not.

I've gotta wake up. I've gotta start doing something with my life. If school is the only thing that will keep me focused, what the hell am I gonna do when I graduate?

First things first - I need to establish a schedule, a routine, a set of guidelines for my daily activities and things I need to do.

Things I need to do:

*. Fix car.

1. Figure out rooming cancelation at App.

2. Finish BiLo job application/get more applications.

3. Finish yardwork.

4. Do more yardwork.

5. Clean up my room/organize.

6. Read/write/do something artistic.

7. Make money - "get money, get paid."

8. Enjoy my summer.

9. Pool parties/hang with friends/go to Wilmington.

With the way I am, lists like this one tend to work backwards. Procrastinate one thing by doing another. Tomorrow, I'll be hanging out with Cody. Today, I hung out with tennis friends. As soon as the pool is fixed, pool parties will ensue. When the time comes, I'll be in Wilmington. I'll make money regardless of what I have to do. In an effort to avoid job applications and cleaning, I'll write and draw. Then I'll clean, and as I clean, I'll end up finding old junk and memories associated with such junk, and waste even more time.

I wonder... what if I behave the way I do because, deep down in my subconscious, I don't have any idea what I would if it was all accomplished?

Something else is behind all of this. Just before summer started, I told myself that my plans were to learn a foreign language, learn to play the piano, and get a job. So far, I've merely acquired a Russian textbook, and barely filled out one job application.

Oy.