False happiness/ emptiness --> sadness --> LOVE --> sadness --> emptiness/ false happiness.
What a cycle that seems to be. But right there in the middle, though as small and short-lived as it may be, there is love. There's that other person that makes everything better, makes your worries disappear, makes you feel good inside, gives you inspiration, et cetera, et cetera.
Sure, I left out some stages in that cycle, but that's not the point. The point is, for me, this cycle has been repeating for a very long time. I try to get straight to the love, without all the sadness and emptiness. I tell myself not to bother with love, because sadness and emptiness will always follow. Every time I end up hurt. Every time I scold myself for being so foolish, for becoming blind-sighted by this wonderful feeling.
And now I'm just numb. I'm not sure how long I've felt this way, perhaps two months. Maybe three. I'm a hopeless romantic, full of care and emotions, but they are displaced and misdirected. Here I am now, with someone who cares so much about me, who wants to learn more about me and come closer, and I'm just following the motions. I feel numb. I don't feel 100% into this new relationship. I often only think of meeting new people, or even just going to parties to find someone who will get me laid. I've lost value in sex. I've lost value in religion. My values are changing and becoming lost. Everything I am is fading away, until the only thing that's left is my physical appearance. I am fake. I am nothing.
My father died three years ago. Every day I seem more lost without him. I looked at a picture of him the other day, and it almost didn't seem like it was him. Like he was this stranger I had never seen before. As the months passed right after his death, I begin to lose my memory of his appearance. Soon he was a general image in my head, but I could always remember his smell when I used his shampoo. But eventually that was gone too. The last thing I had that was his was this ring my mother found in their bedroom. It was silver, old and scratched up, and it had his initials on the outside. I wore it from that day on. When my ex-girlfriend Sarah told me we should take a break, I gave her that ring to hold on to, because it was all I had, and I wanted it to symbolize that she was all I had too. Leaving behind that ring meant leaving behind all my insecurities.
So much for that. By the end of the break, she made no effort to talk to me, let alone see me, and I gave up on salvaging our relationship. It was 8 months long, our relationship. The longest time I had spent with a girl I cared about. And the most contact I had ever had, too. But for some reason, it all came to an unexpected end. She lost every feeling she ever had for me. I couldn't understand it. Even now, my mind is boggled as to what happened. I'm one of those people who gets stuck on his mistakes, determined to figure out what went wrong and why. But I just couldn't figure it out.
Tomorrow is her birthday, and I'm determined to give her a present. It'll be awkward, seeing as I'm practically I stranger in the family now. Her dad or brother never really showed that much attention to me, but her mother cares about me. In 8 months, you can experience a lot with one person and their family.
My emotions are completely out of whack. Seeing her tomorrow will be beyond strange-- it'll be like seeing a completely different person. For 8 months, I knew a loving, affectionate Sarah. Now, it's just another 16 year old high school girl that has no clue what she wants in life. Hell, I don't even know what I want in life anymore.
The Matrix is probably one of the best movies I have ever seen. The philosophical ideas contained within that world reflect those in our own world. What we take for granted as reality may not even be reality. How do we know the difference between this "world" and our dreams? Which one is real?
So many thoughts. So many perplexing ideas.
I tell her, "we have all the time in the world." But I'm getting pretty tired of having all this time.
All I want to do is rid myself of all my personal belongings. My cell phone, my games, my iTouch, my TV, my computer, my artwork, everything. I want to experience life without the temptation and distraction of these meaningless objects. I have so many things, that I'm bored to death. I can't find one single thing I would like to do. I have no motivation to draw or learn or talk to other people. I feel like I'm missing out on the world. The day that I can sell all of my belongings, or better yet, give them away, I will be a different person.
One step closer to enlightenment.
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